Last April I had my PhD defense. I wanted to write about my this earlier, but I have been living in a roller coaster the last few months (a good one, but more about that in another post) so I could not find the time to write. However, my good friend and colleague Rita asked me, shortly after the defense, if I could write her an email about my impressions and emotions on the day of my defense. I was glad to have this request by her. This request could only come from Rita: she studies emotions but is also engaged in understanding them beyond a scientific perspective. I value her effort to understand the importance of emotions in daily life and the central role they have in our everyday routines. I sat down and reflected about my defense day (and the days preceding it, and the whole journey until then…) and here is what I wrote to her. I tend to live my life in an accelerated mode and sometimes I forget the importance of stopping and thinking. Thanks, Rita for making me stop to think about this day.
“Dear Rita,
As promised, here is a GIANT email about my impressions of my PhD defense day.
(…)
Preparing the presentation for my defense was a challenge. For some reason, I had convinced myself that putting together a presentation about my PhD was going to be easy: after all, all I had to do was putting together all my studies’ presentations, which I had presented at conferences, integrate feedback and it would be ready that way. After doing that, the result was far from what was expected. I realized that the presentation was way too long. Also, the presentation did not have a storyline and the committee would just fall asleep after a while. That was my first shock: How was I supposed to fit 4 years of work in a 20 minutes presentation? Including only the thesis studies, leaving all other side projects aside. This was very difficult. After several attempts I managed to have a presentation that I was happy with (it took me about two weeks to finally have a presentation that was satisfactory to me. Afterwards I still included feedback from my supervisor. Building the presentation, however scary at first, was very helpful in the end to make clear what the storyline was, that I wanted to tell. Finishing the presentation cleared things in my mind.
Definitely not what the committee would think after my first presentation draft…
While writing on the compilation of my thesis, I wrote down all the questions that popped up in my mind and which I thought the committee could ask. These questions referred to the way all the theoretical arguments and studies of the thesis connected to one another, the methodologies I used, and also to the logical and personal reasoning underlying each thought expressed in the thesis. I kept these questions during the writing period, and while making the presentation a few more popped up. In the weeks before the defense, while I prepared answers to these questions, I has a second shock: I did not know ANYTHING!!!! As I realized this, I looked back at my first year as a PhD student and saw myself full of confidence: I thought I knew so much! I went to conferences and thought that I was ready to answer any question because, after all, this was my research and I had the answers. Back then, I thought things were easy. I would never be nervous for a presentation because there was no question I could not answer. This was me at the beginning of the PhD and although such unreal self-confidence feeling had been fading away over the years, it had never been so clear to me as in that moment. As our dear Susana always says: learning is the process and not in the end itself. The truth is: I have learned a lot along the way. I learned that I know too little. I learned that there are no black and white answers and there are always other ways of perceiving things. I learned that now I was not ready to answer questions but ask even more questions and keep questioning everything, even myself. Therefore, even the questions I had been compiling over time now had no answer. I panicked for a moment. Afterwards I thought if I was humble and would answer based on the learnings I had had over the years all would be fine. I remember thinking that, contrarily to my beliefs as a first year student, I was not going to give peremptory answers to the questions I would be asked during the defense. I would now be humble and recognize that there are always several points of view on every topic of discussion. It was now time to recognize that the world is such as amazing place to live in and life is such a great learning experience because people think differently from one another and that is awesome. With this thought in mind, I moved on.
To prepare a bit more, besides having asked all of you (colleagues) to ask me critical questions, which were very useful, I tried to predict what were the viewpoints of each committee members on my research. This was, of course, related to their own research interests, which I could briefly address on the preparation stage.
While preparing for the defense I always kept in mind my beliefs as a researcher. In every answer I wanted to emphasize my personal beliefs which I also print into my research: I believe that every human being has the power to learn, transform, and develop her/himself into whatever they wish to become. This also helped to prepare my answers and argumentation but also to answer unexpected questions. I thought that if I always keep this thought in mind it is impossible to give a “wrong” answer, because I will only state what I believe in. In this sense I would always keep true to myself.
I could almost hear Ygritte in my head…
On the day before the defense, I rehearsed my presentation. It did not go well. I was nervous, my speech was not flowing… Anyway, a long bath in the evening and a good night sleep fixed this problem immediately. On the day itself, I was so so so nervous again… But as the time of the defense approached I could calm down. And when the defense really started, I was invaded by a zen mood and I just decided to enjoy the moment. And that’s what I did.
In the end, it was a conversation where I had the chance to expose my ideas, my beliefs and my opinions. It was actually…nice!
I took a long bath and a good night sleep. But hey, everyone has their own strategies…
I was very afraid of feeling disappointment in myself… That happens to me quite a lot and I engage in counterfactual thoughts like “I should have said this… I shouldn’t have done that”. Fortunately, I did not have these thoughts at all! In the end, I was even a little bit proud of myself :)
So my advice is: when your defense is there, enjoy it! It is a special day. It is not the end of anything but the beginning of a new stage. I know that for as much as I tell you not to be nervous, you will still be nervous. But believe me: all will be fine!”
Yay!!!
nd change to a better and healthy alternative.
the conservative tea industry, through a big focus on product innovation, positioning and communication strategy.
h others and find people who can work with you.
business opportunities to academic staff, PhD’s and researchers in Germany. It is always very interesting and challenging. It usually turns out to be a great exchange of knowledge, perspectives and experiences about entrepreneurship.
Do Not Talk Nerdy To Me 